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What Would Jesus Do? ‘Don’t Come To My Church Unless You’ve The Money’

Are you feeling a bit groggy, let down or drowned in debt? Is your love or marriage life on life support and needs resuscitation or you want to travel abroad? Have you been seeing pastors, consulting prophets and visiting seers for a breakthrough lately?

Then throw on your Battakari or Fugu. Fasten your boot straps, take no bread, take no water, and pocket no CD’s, (because the angels will pat you down if you dare). Also pack baggage and luggage and make a move to Down South. We’re going. The Lord knows where we are going. So hurry, don’t hesitate my sister/brother.

If you are in Africa or traveling from any of the African nations the journey would be shorter, faster but I must warn you it might not be smooth—depending on which flight you’re taking. Don’t eat any cookies while onboard and don’t lie to the pastor that you’d ‘dry fasting.’ The message is single and simple— you drink deep or you taste not.

And in case you just got onboard you’re forewarned not to carry any currencies considered weak and of no value. Yes, you heard me. No Zimbabwean dollar, no Egyptian pound and no Nigerian naira. Why the smile? You think you’re exempted right? The Ghanaian cedi is banned. The Indian rupee is embargoed. Even the Zambian Kwacha which as of January 1 2013 was the strongest in Africa won’t be tolerated whilst in SA.

If you’re coming from Europe, North America, Asia, or any of the groups that adopted some aspects of Anglo-Saxon culture and language kindly book your flight (s)as quickly as possible .You’re also hereby reminded not to forget to find a wheel barrow to haul in wads of euros, dollars and pound sterling. For your information, your host wants currencies that are water-resistant and depreciating-proof.

Well don’t mistake this person for President Trump.

Remember Mr. Trump issued the executive order banning entry for 90 days by citizens from Iraq, Syria, Iran, Libya, Somalia and Yemen. This person welcomes all of them regardless. This person needs the petrol dollars. This person doesn’t mind where the visitor or the traveler is coming from as long as the person has the pounds, euros and dollars, preferably the US dollar.

What would Jesus do?
He warned us to be wary of false prophets and teachers. He advised us to be as wise as the serpent. Yet, Man has ignored all the advices, all the warning signs and all the things the Lord said. Thing is, if I even told you, there are lions in my house so do not enter you’d still enter anyway.

If I told you I can increase your genitalia you’d believe me isn’t it?

Ice cubes will definitely melt when you take them out from the freezer right?

And if I told you that as they melt all your problems would melt away, you’d believe me?

So who would you blame the owner of the lions or the trespasser?

I might be fined for keeping lions in my house because they aren’t domestic animals. But I guess you would also not be spared for acting folly. What do they say ignorance is no excuse..

Some of us are like the people of biblical Nineveh—always looking for signs and wonders. Some people hold the belief that pastors and prophets would receive stiffer or tougher punishment than believers. Well I don’t know about that. And I don’t think anybody has an idea or know how the Lord would deal with us when he comes back.

The message is single and simple: Beware of dogs or lions.

Are you still upbeat? Are you ready for the journey? Are you sure?

I love South Africa. I love Jo’burg and I love Madiba may his soul continue to rest in peace. Pretoria and perhaps Robin Island is one place I would like to visit if I happened to be in that beautiful country. Yes, I love SA but I don’t think I’m taking this trip. This trip looks tricky.

There’s an invitation by a lady pastor via a video on social media. I believe many of you might’ve seen the clip. Call her the miracle woman. She uses ice cubes or frozen water to meltdown all human problems—debts or financial, marriage, joblessness, sickness or health problems. The lady is selling the frozen water for $100, or 100 rand South Africa money. And she begins the invitation with this:

“Greetings in the name of the Almighty Lord, I am Pastor Tenge Wei of the Church of Believers with the lot of extra cash. And I have come to share with you the miracle that Lord Almighty has chosen to give me the power of. ‘

Today, our share with how you wash all your problems away, how you can melt all your problems away for only a hundred Rand when you come to my church and get this frozen water. This water is frozen by the power of the Lord, the power the Lord has given me. All I have to do is to pray and pray for the water…and as I pray for the water….

‘Sharabosh’ it freezes. And then when you give the hundred pounds, dollars, rands or euros depending on which country you come from. But the Lord Almighty will not t accept any Zimbabwean dollars, Nigeria nairas, or any other Afriican currencies that money that dot have any value. But this water what happens is you take it home with you. You put it next to your bed before you go to sleep. Then you pray, you tell the Lord all your problems that you want them to melt. When you get up in the morning you’d see that the water has melted. So you are not wasting your money if you pay me $100 dollar or 100 pounds.”

“There is not one person that has come to complain the water didn’t melt. So the water is guaranteed to melt away and as it melts away it melts all your problems. Please don’t come to my church unless you have money. ..Because we are the Church of Believers with a lot of Extra Cash. Praise be to God,” she concluded.

Remember, some waited they got the bus. Some waited they missed it. They missed it because they were ill-prepared. Some didn’t wait, yet they got the bus. You’ve to follow your instinct always. Give your heart and mind time to dialogue, give them time to confer and share, give them time to decide. And in all that trust the Lord for a breakthrough.

By Gordon Offin-Amaniampong

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